"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed, and in your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:18
I recently spoke with a dear friend whose illness often drains the life from her, and the darkness closes round and she simply wants it all to end. I know how pain, mental or physical or both, can steal the sunlight from our days and haunt our nights. Sometimes it seems they cannot be borne.
If you are contemplating this way out, my advice to you is : DON'T DO IT!
Do not let the evil one, the king of liars, infect your soul with the desire.
God has a great plan for your life, It sometimes feel like that is not true.
But it is,
The devil wants you to think it will just end and it will all be over. Instead, you will be facing a Holy God Who wants to know why you took the gift He gave you and threw it away. If you don't know Him already, please visit my church's website and find out how to know Him. http://www.ccgreenvalley.org/knowHim.aspx Please believe me when I say that you are loved by a Being Who created you for joy, Who has watched every breath you have ever taken, Who has seen every rotten, secret thing you have ever done and Who, in spite of it all, loves you so much He died rather than live without you. If you doubt that statement, ask Him to show you His love, ask Him to open your eyes to see - and then watch for His love to be shown to you - because He will move heaven and earth to gather you into His arms and comfort you.
There is another reason I beg you not to end your life:
It kills every person left behind that knew you - that misses you, You will personally destroy any and all of your family and friends who cared.
Each one will wonder every day, "Did I say/do something that caused this? Am I to blame for this wonderful person leaving us?" Your parents will go over and over and over your last conversations " Could I have picked this up? How could I not have known? What did I do wrong.?"
The questions will go on and on for the rest of their lives , and there will never, ever be any answers because you took them all with you.
For the rest of their lives they will live with the pain you chose not to deal with - you will multiply it one hundredfold on every person who ever knew/loved/cared for you.
I know people living in this hell. I hear from one in particular every year on the day they found her son dead by his own hand.
That was 20 years ago.
It never ends.
When your pain seems to have reached beyond what you can bear, talk first to Jesus about it. You don't have to be fancy, just be yourself - talk to Him the same way you would talk to anybody else. Then read Psalm 139 and see how very much God does care about you. You did not happen by chance, you were not a mistake, you were known by God even before the moment the spark of life entered the egg. You were planned. And this illness is part of the plan.
God has entrusted you with something hard. It isn't easy to face the hard things day after day without let up, alone, perhaps home bound or wheelchair bound. So many things you used to do to bring joy to your heart you are no longer capable of doing. But He is there with you, walking each day with you, as close as breathing.
Pain carries darkness in its back pocket. It will swallow you whole if you let it. Instead turn to Jesus and let His light flow in.
But how do I do that?
The best way I have found is through worship, praise, and prayer.
When you know Jesus Christ personally, despair is not an option - it cannot survive with faith alongside it. They are mutually exclusive because, with God there is always hope, and nothing - nothing is impossible to Him.
Tell God how awful everything is face to face - exactly the way you would to a friend, because He is the best friend you will ever have. Offer the sacrifice of thanksgiving, especially when you can find nothing to thank Him for - thank Him anyway. Think of all of God's attributes, His holiness, His mercy, His love Open your heart to Him.
If the pain is too bad, talk to your doctor about increasing pain meds. If the pain is not physical, talk to your pastor - he can tell if you need a referral to somewhere to get help.
DON'T TRY TO FACE THIS ALONE.
Jesus knows all about pain. Physically He died one of the most painful kinds of deaths there are. He was alone, truly alone in the universe for the first and last time in all eternity. He was spat on, they pulled out His beard, they ripped His back to pieces with a whip which had rocks and nails in it to tear and shred. It was designed to cause the most pain and the most blood loss.
He knows well about pain.
He wants to carry it with you,
Please, please, please -