For Those of us Afraid of the Dark.

I have been contemplating fear lately.

When I came to Christ - or, rather, when He busted His way into my heart, I was involved with the occult - and with an extreme sensitivity to fearful things. Movies, plays etc.  And in the after-occult season the fear of darkness - actual and imagined - became a factor in my life.

He took the darkness out of me, washed out the remaining stains, but the fear has come to be one I have never conquered.  I cannot sleep in the total darkness.  I need some tiny bit of light to be able to sleep.

As a nurse, I became interested in the hospice movement, and one of the things it taught me was that dying patients almost always want to be in light, sunlight or manufactured, ss they leave this world.

I have health conditions which have placed me in that position a few times.  And now a virtual friend is facing that challenge daily, as he fights a vigorous battle with lymphoma.  And moments of fear overwhelm him.

It is a fearful thing, death. 

Even though it is something we all will face, even though the One Who bought us with HIs blood has conquered it before us - and won!- even though we truly know, to the tiniest cell in our bodies, that we will be in His presence the millisecond we leave this earth.

Even though....

When I was standing on the edge of that cliff, gazing into the darkness of the unknown, the fear would not let me go.  Would not.

Oh, I could vanquish it for the moment - and always with His Name on my lips - but when the thought came round again, threw another harpoon into my heart, breathed in my ear, it was battle time again,

It still is.

I can think of it from a distance, as though it was a far off  event, but when it comes to REAL and TRULY, it takes awhile for me to call on His Name and claim His peace. And while I have made the provisions and protocols for this body my spirit dwells in, leaving this body - and thoughts of the actual process by which it will happen, are fearful. 

Corrie Ten Boom, another heroine of mine, said that, as a child, she told her father that it scared her, this death that would, eventually, end her life.

He asked her, "Corrie, when do I give you your ticket when we take the train.?"

"When it's time to get on it." she answered.

"That is when Jesus will take away your fear.  Right now, you don't need the courage to face it.  When the moment comes, Jesus will give you your ticket and you will not be afraid."

And so it was.

And I trust it will be the same for me.

I don't need that peace right now - because it isn't time, yet.

But I trust, like Corrie, that when the moment comes, His joy will fill my heart, and my spirit will take flight.

And there will never be another moment of fear of the dark.

Until that day, or moment, or second comes, I will leave it in His hands.

Is He Trustworthy?

this weeks Scripture reads:
Jan 13 Gen 38-40
Jan 14 Gen 41-42
Jan 15 Gen 43-45
Jan 16 Gen 46-47
Jan 17 Gen 48-50
Jan 18 Ex 1-3
Jan 19 Ex 4-6


Somehow it seems that my "rambling attacks" occur most often in the wee hours of the morning.  Part of my CI happens to be trouble sleeping - in the sleep studies I've had done, I've never attained level III sleep, which is where the real restorative sleep occurs.

I went to 2 docs on the same day last week- both with bad news about worsening conditions. I am exhausted , physically and mentally.  The first one involved pupil dilation, which triggers an instant headache.  Flourescent lights trigger instant headaches as well, so it was a double whammy as flourescent lights are everywhere, especially doctor's offices!

So I returned from the first appt and simply crawled into bed, took a good sized dose of pain meds and tried to recover.

Didn't work.

So I went to the second appt, with , naturally, flourescent lights everywhere, and stirred it all up again.  We stopped on the way home for dinner at one of my fave Chinese restaurants, and after 5 min there, had to run for the bathroom to throw up.  It came on that suddenly.  I made it just in time for dry heaves, as I hadn't had anything to erat except for a shake in the morning.

Got back to the table and, as we serve a Gracious God, I was fine. The scenario did not repeat itself and I was left to my dinner in comfort, puzzled but grateful

Isn't that the way our walk with God often goes -He leaves us puzzled but grateful. Now, His ways are far above ours, but I don't think He intends us to wander around puzzled all our lives!  But it seems that I wonder some about my CI...

I don't wonder about the why me stuff - I gave Him my life many years ago (40 years on January third) and have noooooooooo intention of snatching it back.  He has carried me through some of the most agonizing time periods of my life.  And yes, a fair amount of that has been physical suffering, and a fair amount has dealt with the death of loved ones, some expected and some blindsides.  I have buried my whole family consisting of a beloved grandmother, both parents and two of my three brothers.  My CI necessitated the loss of a profession I loved (Nursing) a specialty I found endlessly fascinating and enjoyable (Obstetrics.)

Not long ago I stumbled upon a quote (and at the moment I cannot recall where it is from, also part of my CI).  It was a simple, elegant, to the point statement and the moment I heard it, there was an "aha!" moment.  It said, "When You can't understand where God's head is in your situation, trust His heart."

Every cell in my body stood up and yelled "Amen!"

Trying to figure out my King's mind on many things is too high for me.  I know when it is imperative for my growth and the timing is right He will reveal it to me.

But His heartl, now, that's a different kettle of fish altogetyher.

His Word has shown me, over and over and over again, that the heart of God can be trusted. Just a few gleanings of character attributes show why. Here's the tiniest tip of the ice berg-

1. He loves me.  There are a million verses on God's love in His Word.  I think John 3:16 is by far the most important and far reaching, but the3re are also verses that speak of His great tenderness "Can a nursing mother forget her child?  Perhaps one could, but I will never forget you - behold, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands."

The first time I read that, I could feel the nail go through His hand, and on that nail was my name, engraving itself on the palm of the Living God.  What an amazing privilege is mine!

2. His arms are always underneath me.  Always.  When I fall - and that happens far more often than I would prefer - He catches me.  As I confess, He washes off the mud and manure and, without a lecture or even an "I told you so," He helps me get up and cleans up my scarlet sins until I am white as snow, replacing the mud and manure with peace and joy.  Amazing.

3.  In the long night, often made longer by pain and restlessness and difficulty finding a comfortable position, He gives me songs (Job) and not only does He give them to me, He Himself sings over me.

4. When some new health problem pops up, and the evil one paints the direst of consequences and throws darts of doubt and fear, He promises that whatever happens He will work for my good.

5.  When I feel abandoned and "less than" because of my CI, He tells me that, far from being less than, I am the Poem of His hand-made creation, His work of art - not a struggling sketch with squiggly lines or muddied colors, but a work of Art.

6. In spite of the sadness and pain that come into my life, as it does to every human with a heart on the face of the earth, He knows everything a bout me, from the first twinkle in my father's eye, to the formation of each finger and toe, to the addition of each numbered hair follicle.  He has numbered each day of my life before the first one even began, and He knows the exact day, time, second when He will take me home.

And just as a sidenote here, remember my grieving over the quail?

It finally occurred to me to bring it to Him in prayer  (DUH)  I said, "Papa (and yes, I truly pray that way - it revolutionalised my prayer life) Papa, could I have a quail?  Just one little quail?  Scruffy, hungry, doesn't matter, just one quail?"

The next morning (after several week's total absence,) there were two out there, cheerfully chortling their way thru their morning's work digging up stuff.  I can't tell you how cherished that made me feel.  So grateful.with a heart full of praise.  He understood!

And the next day...there were five!  And this morning there were 12 - 15 glorious, Hand painted, busybody (in the nicest way, of course) chortling quail outside my window.

 How can I not trust Him?

Forgive me Lord.  Help me to see beyond my self-interests.  Help me to worship you truly in Spirit and in Truth.

...And thanks again for the quail.

Is it worth it?

 In Thee do I put my trust. Psalm 7:1

The weekend of the 1st,  I got a treat.

Thanks to my sil, I was able to get out of the house and go to the Utah Shakespeare Festival.  We try to go every year.  I grew up in San Diego with the Old Globe Theater, and I thought when I moved to the desert that was all over.

But, surprisingly, we discovered that within a 3 hour drive, there was Shakespeare!

To get there, my sil drove both ways.  Usually we stay overnight there, but since the plays we wanted to see were 48 hours apart, we decided to drive home and then back again.

Bad move.

I didn't think twice about it - not realizing that that meant 16 straight hours from here to the play and back again, getting home about 130 am.

I was exhausted.

And 48 hours later I got to do it again!

By the end of the second marathon day I felt like a puddle on the floor with my eyes sticking out.  The next morning when I awakened, I was so dizzy I couldn't stand up.  I was severely nauseated and every muscle screamed. It was scary.  I haven't had a rebound that severe in a long time. I had to call my sil for help it was so bad.

Praise God, it only took less than 24 hours in bed - in fact, by that evening I could get up by myself and the anti-nausea drugs were working well.

And I started to think about what certain things are worth.

Had I known what the aftermath would be, what would I have chosen?  Well...I would have gone anyway.  The productions at USU are top notch - and Merry Wives of Windsor is a favorite play - with front row seats yet!  The theater is built to the specs of Shakespeare's theater in England, the acoustics wonderful, the open-air setting perfect for an end-of-summer night - in the low 80's, the feel of dew in the air, the fresh scent of new-mown grass, a million stars overhead, and a sweet, gentle zephyr of a breeze that wandered in and out of the theater.  Plus, a surprise show-stealing actor that made Falstaff, the usual buffoon of the comedy, pale in comparison.  It was a perfect Shakespearean evening.

Yes, I would have chosen to go.

As I look back over the 3+ decades of walking with my King, I see the difficulties and the setbacks, the pain and sorrow, the bleak days that seemed endless with some unknown disease stalking me, the loss of a profession I loved.

Had I known, would I have chosen Him?

My heart answers with an unequivocal, resounding YES!

The "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble..." (couldn't resist quoting Shakespeare!) of this life are nothing compared to the joy and comfort of His presence, the sure knowing that the One Who has chosen me to be His can be trusted, that the lessons woven into the pain are worth deciphering, that His presence in my life turned it from black and white into Living Color.

And the interesting thing, to me, is that when I look back over the years, it wasn't all that hard, really.  He made even the things I considered unbearable bearable.  When my heart had been rendered what I considered a fatal blow, He picked up the pieces and put me back together - the hole, to be sure, is still there, but it is no longer a jagged-edged crater.  The edges have healed into smoothness, the shrunken hole a testament to His faithfulness, the pang of remembrance no longer a twisting knife. He has taught me not to be afraid of the darkness, for He will always light a candle in that darkness to lead me Home.

Always.

He is worth more than anything this world can throw at me.

And that is why I can say with no reservation : "In Thee do I put my trust."