Tuesday, March 29, 2011

One day at a time

In Thee do I put my trust - Ps 7:1

Where is your trust?

Currently I've had disturbing physical changes taking place, a mass growing on my salivary gland and something is apparently pushing my eye out of its socket, resulting in increased headache pain and double vision.  The testing has been grueling and seemingly endless, and I have been given no results yet - the big day will be Thursday (I am writing this on Tuesday).

It has set me to thinking about trust.

When things come up that take  your breath away, decrease your comfort in life, or shake you up, where do you turn?  Do you continue with your days as usual, trusting Him as usual, or do you run hither and yon looking for comfort.

When Jesus first burst into my life, I had a good friend who facilitated the introductions.  We were riding on a California freeway one day and a car in front of us started swerving erratically.  Immediately he cried out "Father, help them!"  ( My own reaction was along the lines of "Lookit that idiot..." )

I was so impressed by his automatic reliance on Jesus that later, when I was alone with my heavenly Papa, I asked that He would put that reflex in my heart, way down deep, that my first and always reaction to anything would be prayer.

I am very grateful to tell you that He answered that prayer.

So during these trying testing times He has drawn me  closer in prayer, and the peace of His presence has guarded me.

I am not saying I'm blissfully unaware of the connotations of these symptoms.  Being a nurse, I know what they point towards - a tumor of some kind, and if  it's glioma, it's a virtual ticket Home, which I consider a get-out-of-jail=free card.

I'm also not immune to fear.  I find it interesting that I'm not afraid of death per se, but I am nervous about the mode of exit.  I'm not looking forward to more pain, and I am praying that if this is His choice, He will carry me through it.  He has never failed me before, I have no reason to suspect He will fail me now.

So what am I struggling with?

I'm struggling with discovering my obligations to this tent He has placed me in.  Must I fight for one more day of pain?  Can I simply lay down and let whatever this is do its work and free me from this mortal coil?  How do I ease the way for those that love me?  Is it possible to ease their hold on my life enough to let it go?  Can I possibly do anything that will increase their trust of the One Who makes all Decisions, helping them to see Romans 8:28 at work here?

And all this, mind you, without any concrete information as to what I am dealing with ( how illness gets us going, doesn't it?).  It may turn out to be nothing more serious than a local infection easily dealt with - in which case my navel pondering will all have been for nought. 

Nevertheless, the questions are real, and must be answered - if not now, then at some future date, barring the rapture's occurrence (Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus!) 

So I am wrestling with the answers,  for I truly seek His will in this.  And it boils down to living the same way any CI has to live: one day at a time, bringing each day's events before Him in prayer, doing the best with what He gives us each day.

I don't know what tomorrow (or Thursday) will bring. 

But I know Who will bring it.  I know His love for me is eternal. I know His choices for me are perfect. And I know He will never fail.

In Thee do I put my trust.

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