The clouds are the dust of His Feet

"He spread out clouds to shelter them..." Ps.105:39 (Moffat) emphasis mine
"The LORD has His way
In the whirlwind and the storm
And the clouds are the dust of His feet." Nahum1:3

How often do I pray He will take the clouds away?  Clouds of pain, clouds of illness or incapacity or difficulty. Clouds of circumstances that drive me to Him. Unknown dangers are lurking at my door - but He is sheltering me from them; it just so happens that the method He is using is a cloud.

The clouds spread out above me, threatening me, but shall indeed, as Cowper said, "break with mercies on my head."  They are not, the Word tells me, clouds of trouble and doom, but protection from a loving Heavenly Father to His child.

Those whirlwinds that so frighten me, the tempest in a teapot that steals my peace - they are all one and the same : the LORD having His way.  I personally think He delights in those whirlwinds and storms  that keep me from becoming complacent and taking Him for granted - and on some days I am convinced He is up there dancing up those clouds and whirlwinds with me in mind, whistling a happy tune.  He knows one of the quickest ways to bring me to Him are to have a little tumult going on.

Because, you see, clouds are murky, swirly stuff, hard to see through. When they hug the ground, they are called "fog". They creep you out, blot out the usual landmarks,  make you nervous.  They are cold and wet, and have the capacity to make your life miserable.

I have been in San Francisco and the Cleveland Nat'l Forest mountains when fog at its worst has occurred.  Driving is in essence Russian roulette - can't see the center line, can't see the outside line, can't see the traffic signal until you are upon it. You need to go very slowly and watch the tail lights of the car ahead to help figure out where you are. Most people know better than to go it alone on such days - especially in the mountains - where the roads are windy and slippery and are sculpted by a sheer cliff on one side. People know to take it slow and think before they move (well most people do...) Without guidance it would be easy to go over the edge - but there are reflecting guard rails that warn of impending danger.

And it is just those things, happening in our spiritual lives, that His clouds guard us from - we need to hold onto His hand when we can't see clearly, slowly going one step at a time - and if we don't look to Him, it is too easy to crash right through His heavenly guard rails and over those cliffs.

So from now on, I am going to try to remember that the clouds I'm so afraid of  are not out of control. The LORD will have His way with them, and will use them to give me a future and a hope.


One of the best things about living in the desert, to me, are the monsoons.  Glorious towering clouds begin to form and sharp winds twist and turn and blow things over.  Thunder booms and shakes the very foundations of the house, lightning cracks the scalding sky and the refreshing rain begins.  And since finding these two verses, it has become very comforting to me to know that there, right above my head, is the dust of His feet.

And sometimes, from an airplane, you can see the holes His feet leave, punching through the clouds in the top 25% of the photo

A pleasant land

"And I thought, how [gloriously and honorably] I would set you among My children and give you a pleasant land, a goodly heritage, the most beautiful and best [inheritance]among all nations! And I thought you would call me' My Father' and would not turn away from following Me." (emphasis mine) Jeremiah 3:19, Amplified Bible


I read this today and it broke my heart. I fell face down before Him.


I could feel the tender heart of God, bruised and hurting, could see the disappointed hopes and plans He had made,  Who had done everything He could to show His children He loved them - and He got nothing back.  Zero. Nada. Zip.


Have you ever loved like that?  I have.  The pain goes deep into the heart, you're left with a bitter taste in your mouth and the bruises remain tender for years. And this passage speaks not of a foolish human heart, but of the tenderest, gentlest, most loving Heart that has ever existed. The heart of One Who wants nothing more than to shield us in the shadow of His wings, to hold us with everlasting arms, to sing over us with songs in the depths of the endless night.


Have you ever noticed that satan tells the same lies to every generation, and every generation swallows it whole, wanting that forbidden fruit, that knowledge of good and evil? And in the cool of the evening when God comes looking for us, we're busy sewing fig leaves together - which, incidentally, give off a sap that is extremely irritating to the skin, let alone skin in vulnerable areas.  I'm just saying.  


My misspent youth is as much an example as anybody's .  Perhaps that is why the priests in Jerusalem could not serve in the temple until they were 30 years of age.  They had to be old enough to see a bit more clearly what was truly worthwhile.


In Hebrew the word for "idol" means "vapor."  Something fleeting.  Insubstantial. Useless. yet that's what we choose - time after time after time.


I wish I could tell you that I have never sold Him for 30 shekels of silver - that I have accepted my illness with perfect submission and never pined after vapors.


But it would not be true.


I have been utterly selfish on some days. Short-tempered. Excusing a lack of agape love with a bad headache or choosing self-protection to conserve my energy so righteously when I knew I should have been trusting Him and just spilled it all out. I have let the pain I was enduring win  too many times. I pray it wasn't at the cost of someone else's eternity.  I pray I never planted seeds of bitterness in place of love.  I pray I never made anyone feel unimportant or used. I pray I never gave someone the impression that my King had ever failed me - or would ever fail them.


But I will never know until the moment I face Him.


And all the while my Father, Who had gloriously and honorably set me among His children in "a pleasant land, a goodly heritage, the most beautiful and best [inheritance]among all nations"  (no matter what CI looks like to me at this moment in time) looks on with an ancient sadness .


I have wanted this year to be ruled by the word "teachable".  Well, I am learning - and some of what I am learning breaks my heart.  But I pray from this day forward I have learned to never again choose vapor over substance - and that I will always call Him "my Father" and never, ever, turn away from following Him.

The Heavens declare Your glory!

God allowed me to see the eclipse on the 20th.  It was close - that morning was accompanied by severe headaches and muscle pain - but  by the time we were going to leave the meds had done their job

We drove out to Mesquite, a small town that was further in to the eclipse swath - about a 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive.  The hills here would have blocked the last part of it as the sun would sink behind them.

A friend had gotten some welder's glass for us to view through, and it was amazing.  As we drove we saw folks congregating on every high hill accessible from the road - little kids jumping up and down, grabbing safe viewing glasses from one another, racing each other down the hills - oh, for just a tea spoon of that energy!!

But I digress...

We found a parking lot beside a gas station and  whipped out our glass (we had two pieces)  The first tiny bit of shadow had us tingling with excitement - when I really thought about what was happening - the moon passing in front of the sun way out there in space - I felt like a tiny ant perched on a pebble.  Wow!  I could see the shadow move!

I started trying to take some pics thru the welder's glass -  amazingly some of them actually turned out!

More and more shadow filled the circle - the temperature began to drop.  I was really surprised because I expected a large drop, and it went only from scorch to hot - but a definite change.  Little by little it kept going and then, finally, it was complete .  It looked like a cheerio in the sky thru the welder's glass!  At fully eclipsed the sun was still very bright - I was surprised by that - still too bright to view without protection, surely, but noticeably cooler.

 

Then the moon started moving off, leaving a happy face for a bit, and it was over.  The shadows had gotten longer and now reversed themselves, only to begin lengthening once again.

I love the desert when the shadows lengthen.  The harsh scald of a sky gentles, the nooks and crannies outline themselves in cool blues, and the colors of the sandstones glow. God is such an accomplished artist! As you drive along the roads here the scenery changes every time you turn a corner - yucca forests turn into brush turn into streams with cottonwood trees turn into cactus, ocotillo, palo verdes - and here and there a pronghorn antelope or coyote or roadrunner adds some motion.  Just like the life of a CI, the closer you look, the more color and life you find.

As a CI, it may seem to you that you are locked in a desert  without a key, gasping for water and crawling inch by inch to survive from one day to the next.  But if you know Him, He will provide "streams in the desert", and you will find, here and there, a token of His love for you.  Look around you and you will see Him drop these gifts into your day - for me, a laughing child's voice floating from the park, a singing bird  or nest of hatchlings, a cool, refreshing summer shower, the sound of the wind in the trees.  Certainly these are small things as the world counts them - and what delights me most likely would leave you unimpressed.  But I know Him, I know His loving heart, and I know He loves you just as much as He loves me.   Perhaps for you it is a parking place near the door, a faithful doggie's welcoming waggle, the sound of a tender voice at the end of a rough day - whatever it is, start looking for it.  The same God Who designed eclipses and meteors designed you, and He knows you better than anyone else ever will.  Every day He leaves something on your doorstep, so to speak, something to bring you joy and delight.

Just as we needed special dark glass to view the eclipse, so the "special spectacles" of a trusting heart will unveil the small gifts He has hidden in your day to remind you that you have not been forgotten in the desert.

We serve an awesome God, yes, but He is also tender-hearted and generous.  My prayer for you this day is for a pair special spectacles.

Roses, horses and eclipses

Last week I was blessed by an invitation out.  Out of the bedroom, out of the house, into a restaurant with friends. I've been so grateful the Lord provided energy for it! I'm paying for it now but wouldn't  trade a moment of the time with friends.

It was a balmy 77 degrees when we left the house - equivalent to about 65 degrees with humidity.  Very comfortable, the air fresh and crisp with just a slight breeze - not our usual hot winds from hades! Jupiter shone down in all it's magnificent glory against the dark blue velvet sky.  The man made constellations of planes lined up for the airport also shone down, bright landing lights in a straight procession from whereabouts unknown, sliding down the sky.

On nights like that I always think of how God loves beauty.  I'm so grateful He put a capacity to enjoy it in our hearts.  The desert can be harsh and very demanding, but in Springtime it is lovely - the hills take on the slight green blush of new growth, the trees begin to flower, bushes branch out, and my roses bloom. (They quit when the temps get above 90) so I enjoy the exuberance of Spring! How God loves us!

Our friends have a gelding named Blackjack - all black, of course, with a lovely white star on his forehead.  They had bought him for hardly anything because he was paralyzed by fear.  My friend had worked and worked with him to get him used to stuff - like a rope lying on the ground, water puddles, small everyday things - and had helped him enormously. When they found a place that used the horse whisperer techniques they shipped him out.  They went to visit him and found him chest deep in a pond, with a small filly as a friend, afraid of nothing and happy as a horse could be.  I could only think how wonderful God is to allow a person to discover a way to reach animals like that.

There are areas a little way from here where you can still see wild horses racing across the mesa.  The BLM (bureau of land management)  thins them a little more each year, selling them off to buyers for small amounts of money,( among whom are folks who kill them for dog food )  It's very controversial here - the pressure is mainly from the cattle owners who also graze their herds on the mesa.  They want the horses out so they have more grazing land.  The BLM claims not enough people buy them and it's too expensive to feed and care for them in the pens.  The heart breaks for these critters who have run with the wind since birth and now face a terrifying gather and confinement in pens.  One of the local prisons has lent non-violent offenders to the BLM to gentle and train the horses, usually it takes a year or more to get a horse that is gentle and lead broken.  It teaches the men patience and how rewarding it is to work with their hands and hearts.  The horses are never returned as unworkable as some of the unbroken ones are, and garners a few more dollars for the govt.

Why am I telling you all this?  I've been thinking about how the Israelites are not the only ones who are stiff necked.  We are all stiff-necked before He gentles us and gets us lead broken.  His patience is amazing - His approach so gentle.  He is compassionate and slow to anger, abundant with mercy - and how grateful I am for that mercy!  Like a horse afraid of a piece of rope on the ground, we are afraid of what He will ask of us, afraid  of what He will have us do.  How interesting that the evil one will fill us with fear so often when we face something difficult - instead of trusting our Master to lead us through whatever faces us.  It keeps us  from resting in Him and seeing His hand right in front of our faces, ready for us to grab and hang onto.

I've been reading in Isaiah lately - how different the earth will be when its rightful Ruler is once again in command, and the earth is renewed -Isaiah 55 :12 says,"You shall go out with joy and be lead forth with peace, and the mountains and the hills will break forth into singing  before you, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." For a kid raised on Walt Disney it's not hard to imagine that scene! LOL! But it is one more example of the wonder and joy that lie in our future with Him.  We have no idea what He has planned - and I don't think singing mountains or clapping trees are beyond his ability to create. Did you know that if you speed up a recording of a humpback singing, it sounds just like a bird chirping? - and both sounds were created for our enjoyment.  When you see a robin in Springtime, he's just gotta sing - he can't do anything else.  The joy of life can't be held in and expresses itself in song.  Young colts and calves have to run and buck and jump - they're so full of the joy of being that your heart leaps with them.

Just so are we who know the Joy of Life in Jesus - there are times when the heart is so full of joy that there is nothing else to do but worship.  And sometimes the heart is so full of sorrow that there is nothing else one can do but worship.  He is a God whose everlasting arms are always underneath us. He never pulls away because we have fallen - for the zillionth time - He picks us up, washes us off, and sets us back on the narrow road.

This year a total eclipse of the sun, complete with corona, will occur May 20th - and will be visible in all its glory here.  The  only other  eclipse I have seen was only partial, but I remember how the temperature decreased by 20 degrees - and that was in San Diego!  I wonder what will happen in the desert heat?  I'm so looking fwd to that - we may go over by the Grand Canyon to view it - or the valley of fire here.  But it will be an exciting event.

It never ceases to fill me with wonder to look at the desert sky and know that He knows each star by name. He knows each of us by name, too and has placed us just so, exactly where He wants us, including the state of our health.  I keep thinking of the time people were looking at the healed blind man and saying, which one sinned, the blind man or the parents (they believed that illness was a sign of God's ill favor) that this illness fell upon him..  Jesus's next words are lovely to me ; He said neither , that this illness was to show the glory of God.

Those words electrify my heart - to think that it is possible that God favored me with this illness as a means to glorify Him in ways no other thing can.  What an awesome responsibility!  (of course, people may also say it's  possible this illness is because of my sins, which are many, but since Jesus paid the penalty for any and all of the sins I would someday commit on the cross before my DNA ever existed, there would be no reason to punish for sins already forgiven.)

And that alone, to me , is a cause for worship. Forgiven sins and a chance to glorify God in ways the AB have no means to comprehend.  But what if I'm confined to a single room? I never have chances to tell people what He does for me, ways to make use of this chance.

In answer to that I say, the One Who placed you where you are, in the exact circumstances He has put you in, is glorified every time we raise our eyes and give thanks when some new hard aspect of our CI becomes known and must be dealt with.  It is in the gentleness of spirit we can cultivate by appreciating our caregivers and expressing our thanks.  It is in not complaining (the English word for murmuring),  and  being gracious through the pain, and not excusing ourselves from snapping at others because it is a bad day.

I am not saying I am a paragon of virtue here.  Every CI knows that bad days seem to come straight from the pit.  They are unsettling and energy consuming and it's hard not to groan when you try to move or watch the last tiny drop of your energy and self-control circling the drain (don't you just hate that?) I am not always walking in the Spirit on those days, and my spirit aches at yet another example of my lack of perfection as His child.

But He has taught me that that sin is paid for, and He sees how yet another blatant failure at the narrow way makes me feel;  but what He asks of me at such a time is this: get up, dust yourself off, and start again - forgetting the things that are behind and pressing forward instead.

The evil one, of course, wants us to continue looking behind, and, I am convinced, keeps a detailed list of our failures for just that purpose.  Things you haven't thought of in years come bustling to the front dressed in red, waving their arms.  Every embarrassing one, every cruel thing you've ever said,  anything to make us feel unworthy,  And he hits it on the head because, of course, we are unworthy.  What he doesn't want us to think of is that God doesn't even see our unworthiness - He sees His Son, spotless and pure,  He sees His child, stuck in the mud, just waiting for us to reach up and take His offer of help. He's already separated  our sin from us as far as the East is from the West,

And so He waits.  Waits for us to get up, dust ourselves off, and trust Him to lead us on the path that draws us to Him.

What an Awesome God we serve!

The Soaring Spirit

Isaiah 45:2-3
"I will go before you and make the crooked places straight; I will  break in pieces the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron.  I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I , the LORD, Who call  you by your name, Am the God of Israel."

This spoke to my heart today - for what is chronic illness if not gates of bronze and bars of iron?

This passage was originally addressed to Cyrus, hundreds of years before he was born, and resulted in his giving permission to his Israelite captives to return to Israel and rebuild the temple in Jerusalem.

But the words stood up and waved to me today - the bronze gates and iron bars may be present but the Spirit of the Living God is certainly able to remove them - physically, yes, but more importantly, the shackles of the spirit.  Our bodies may be held fast by the parameters of our illnesses - but our spirits need not be, if our faces are lifted to the the One Who calls us by name.

I'm not chirping here in the corner, as if any of this were easy.  Those who have been ill for some time know it is not.  But captive bodies need not be enslaved in their spirits, even though  chronic illness is filled with darkness.

Some days it seems to shroud the sun in the sky, and some days warrant lying in a darkened room, shut away from the busy lives that go on right outside the door; but in the secret places of the heart there are hidden riches - the treasures of darkness.

Superficial relationships with the God of Israel don't cut it when CI takes over your life.  And the secret places are secret because there is no way, no words yet invented that can explain the difference to those who have never tasted CI.  Many times our illnesses dictate plans and activities - its influence reaches every second of every day.

But inside of that dark imprisonment, there are riches no one else can find - riches that lift the spirit from its cage and send it soaring to the Father's presence. I have found this to be true especially during hard days, when the will must be wrestled into submission, when prayer and praise are done through faith alone - no warm fuzzies here - this is a battle, make no mistake about it.

And then - then His peace comes - not always, but often, when the bruised heart is at rest, when the songs in the night Job speaks of fall gently on the soul, when He calls you by name and reveals Himself as Adonai, as the Great I Am, as the God so personal He whispers your name and sings over you.

The next time the darkness tries to swallow you whole, listen - and wait for His riches to come to you, remembering it takes time for the eyes to get accustomed to the darkness. Pour out before Him the pain, the brokenness, the unfairness you feel - He knows it already anyway, and it cleanses the soul to speak with deeply felt honesty.  Bring before Him the self-pity, the sullenness, the hopelessness that sometimes rules the weakened spirit - then wait before Him, trusting Him to touch those places blistered by solitude and touched by the sour taste that being dependent carries in its back pocket.

I pray you will be overwhelmed by treasures, and find the bronze gates and iron bars crumble to dust before you.

In everything give thanks...2Thess 5:18

We are thankful here that our dear fur ball has had a reprieve and seems to be doing much better.  He's a sweet orange striped old man and has begun purring again with just a slight limp.

The emotional turmoil has taken its toll, however, as is usual with my CI.  So today after a sleepless night I have treated myself to a trip to Mitford.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jan Karon's series, they are set in Mitford, North Carolina and patterned after the city of Blowing Rock. The first book in the series is At Home In Mitford.  I've had the great pleasure of meeting Ms. Karon several times and going to Blowing Rock - and being charmed by the tiny town nestled on a green, forested mountain top.

The books tell the story of an Episcopal priest and the everyday things that he encounters - and are the first books I've ever read where someone actually consults God when facing troubles or being blessed by joy.  He speaks of the Holy Spirit as though He were concerned with the smallest details of our lives - which, of course, He is!  Every once in awhile I reread the whole series,  I highly recommend them.

Today I have been reading In This Mountain, and one section has really spoken to me, bringing me to the Throne in gratitude.

Father Tim, the main character, has been dealt a hard blow. He needs a sermon for the next day and he is spiritually dry. He has struggled with a depression and pain that cut very deep.  He struggles with God, and, finally, as he opens the Word, God speaks to his heart, giving him the crux of his sermon - and this is what He says, using the verse from 2 Thessalonians 5:18 - and I think it most appropriate for us CIs:

"In everything, give thanks. That's all. That's this morning's sermon.

"If you believe, as I do, that Scripture is the inspired Word of God,  then we see this not as a random thought or an oddly clever idea of His servant, Paul, but a loving command issued through the great apostle...

"Though we don't do it often enough, it's easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace.  But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick?  Just what is this everything business?...

"Everything is the word on which this whole powerful command stands and has its being.

"Please don't misunderstand; the word thanks is crucial. But a deeper spiritual truth, I believe, lies in giving thanks in...everything.

"In loss of all kinds,  In illness.  In depression.  In grief.  In failure.  And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness.  In everything.

"There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down; certainly there will be such times for me.  Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing,..

"Some of us have been in trying circumstances these last months, Unsettling.  Unremitting. Even, we sometimes think, unbearable. Dear God, we pray, Stop this! Fix that! Bless us - and step on it!

"I admit to you that although I often thank God for my blessings, I haven't thanked Him for my afflictions.

"I know the fifth chapter of Thessalonians pretty well, yet it hadn't occurred to me to actually take Him up on the notion. I've been too busy begging Him to lead me out of the valley and onto the mountaintop...

"Why have I decided to take these four words as a personal commission?  Here's the entire eighteenth verse:

"'In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in  Christ Jesus concerning you'"

"His will concerning you,  His will concerning me...

"Let's look once more at the four words God is saying to us...by looking at what our obedience to them will say to God.

"Our obedience will say, 'Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing, this hard thing to happen, but I'm going to give thanks in it because You ask me to.  I'm going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know.  Bottom line, You're God --- and that's good enough for me.'"

For a CI, these are words to take to heart.  It is never easy to thank Him when the pain hits and seems to stretch each minute until an hours worth of pain seems encapsulated in a few minutes, or when the world is gray and hopeless looking, or the heart breaks with the absence of another.  Yet, as Father Tim reminds us, it is a loving command - one that reminds us Who is in charge, and can change the face of our CI if we let it.

It is my prayer that you, gentle reader, will join me in doing just that.

The Price He Paid

It is late, we are a watchful household tonite.

One of the four-legged furry loved ones who live here is ill.  He is no spring chicken at 14, a grand old age for a cat.

In two days he has gone from well and spunky but fading away - he lost 1/2 lb in two days.  And then on Monday things were a little off - he kept licking his paw, licking his paw, licking his paw - when to our horror we discovered an abscess draining on that paw.

He visited the vet , came home, and 3 hours later another has appeared, this time on a hind leg.  He has spent the day curled up in one spot - this from a little ball of fire interested in everything you do and having to be there in on it.  For the last 8 hours he has neither drank nor eaten - and he is the one who hears distant paper crackling and is convinced it has something to do with food.  For him.

If he makes it through the night, he will be put down in the morning.

We know it is time.  We know it is necessary.  We know it is the last and greatest kindness we can show him, to end his downward spiral before the pain becomes too severe.

So why does it feel like it's murdering someone who trusts you to make sure he is safe?

The heart recoils in horror, stomach tying itself in knots that will not loosen for a long, long time

For this dearly loved little furrball, it will be a difficult thing to do.

It set me thinking about the One Who had to watch a much more treacherous and painful death.

For the Father set His Son on a path that would lead to a viciously evil torturous way to die.  Because if He didn't, all of those whom He loved would be denied His presence, and suffer eternal torment.

And so, on the night before the Day of all days, He went to meet His Son in a garden.  His Son begged of Him, "If there be any other way, any other way, please, Papa"

And His beloved Papa could not say, "yes, there is a kinder way to do this. " He steeled Himself and simply said, "There is no other way."

So Papa watched as it began.  He clenched His teeth and watched as His Son was spat on, mocked, and had a thorny crown crammed down on His head - the thorns were approximately 5-7 inches long, tearing , slicing through veins, releasing little trickles of blood down his forehead, matting His hair.

Watched the "High Priest"- the" guardian of truth" - sell that privilege of guardianship to retain his political power. He valued God's Son, the Messiah of Israel, at 50 sheckles of silver, the price of a slave.

His Papa watched 3 separate trials, each one illegal in the manner in which it was executed.  Watched a magistrate wash his hands - as if that would make him guiltless in the sentence of death he would pronounce on an innocent man.  Watched the man condemn His Son after a dream had been sent to his wife to warn him. 

Watched as He was scourged with the Roman Cat o' Nine tails - strips of leather imbedded with nails and sharp stones, pieces of glass - anything that would tear flesh in the most excruciating way.

Tears began to stream down His face; yet still He watched.

Watched them put Him on a cross.  Watched Him slowly suffocate in agony.  Watched Him plead for those who crucified them, saying they had no way of knowing what they were doing - pleading "Abba, forgive them."

As the pain got worse for His Son, it began.

They came, sin upon sin upon sin, every sin anyone had ever committed.  Every sin anyone would ever commit. Sin upon sin upon sin - my sin, your sin for 3 hours they had been coming. And then, for the first time in eternities before, and the first time in all the eternities to come, the Father could not bear to look upon His perfect, loving Son as sin filled every cell, every corpuscle, every iota of His being.

He turned away. And when He left, He took the light with Him.

He heard His Son's cry of anguish ring through the darkened universe He had created, calling "Abba!  Papa!  Why have You forsaken Me?" 

The perfect Lamb of God, alone in a cosmic darkness, bleating with pain and fear and the taste of sin in His mouth,the stench of it in His nostrils. One upon one upon one,endlessly stretching through every shattering moment of pain.

It lasted for 3 more hours. Sins being nailed to His cross.  The sins of His mother, of His brothers, the sins of Judas, the sins of Pilate, the sins of those who drove the nail into His shredded flesh.

My sins. Your sins.  The world's sins. This sinless Lamb of God choked on them, He saw them, felt them.
Became them.

Then suddenly His cry of triumph rang through the endless corridors of time: "It is finished!!!!"  "Totelestai," the Roman word for a prisoner who had served his time, paid for his crime, forever carrying with him the piece of paper that proved he could never again be arrested or tried for that crime: it had been paid in full.

At the sound of His Son's death, the Father tore His clothes - a Jewish form of mourning, symbolically baring the mourning heart for all to see. 

And so He grabbed the 6 foot thick veils to the Holy of Holies and tore them from top to bottom, baring His broken heart, opening the way for all eternity, opening His arms to all who accepted the sacrifice His Son had made.

It is an amazing thing to be washed in the Blood of the Lamb, to be free for all eternity because that Blood paid my way and made me worthy to enter the Holy of Holies any time I want.

And yet, as we approach the day commemorating that sacrifice, that gift, my thoughts often go back to the Father, also alone for the first time in eternity - aching over His Son, wanting so badly to wipe these people off the face of the earth, holding Himself back to make a way for us. Enduring it. Having those pictures, those moments, burned into His memory.

That horrible night that cost both Father and Son so much, paid my way in full.  O  my Father!  I have no idea what that cost You - or Your Son - and I know I could never repay it! So, to the best of my ability, I will spend the rest of my life thanking You.  I would, truly, be lost without You.

Baruch haba Hashem Adonai! "Blessed is He Who comes in the Name of the Lord."

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