this weeks Scripture reads:
Jan 13 Gen 38-40
Jan 14 Gen 41-42
Jan 15 Gen 43-45
Jan 16 Gen 46-47
Jan 17 Gen 48-50
Jan 18 Ex 1-3
Jan 19 Ex 4-6
Somehow it seems that my "rambling attacks" occur most often in the wee hours of the morning. Part of my CI happens to be trouble sleeping - in the sleep studies I've had done, I've never attained level III sleep, which is where the real restorative sleep occurs.
I went to 2 docs on the same day last week- both with bad news about worsening conditions. I am exhausted , physically and mentally. The first one involved pupil dilation, which triggers an instant headache. Flourescent lights trigger instant headaches as well, so it was a double whammy as flourescent lights are everywhere, especially doctor's offices!
So I returned from the first appt and simply crawled into bed, took a good sized dose of pain meds and tried to recover.
So I went to the second appt, with , naturally, flourescent lights everywhere, and stirred it all up again. We stopped on the way home for dinner at one of my fave Chinese restaurants, and after 5 min there, had to run for the bathroom to throw up. It came on that suddenly. I made it just in time for dry heaves, as I hadn't had anything to erat except for a shake in the morning.
Got back to the table and, as we serve a Gracious God, I was fine. The scenario did not repeat itself and I was left to my dinner in comfort, puzzled but grateful
Isn't that the way our walk with God often goes -He leaves us puzzled but grateful. Now, His ways are far above ours, but I don't think He intends us to wander around puzzled all our lives! But it seems that I wonder some about my CI...
I don't wonder about the why me stuff - I gave Him my life many years ago (40 years on January third) and have noooooooooo intention of snatching it back. He has carried me through some of the most agonizing time periods of my life. And yes, a fair amount of that has been physical suffering, and a fair amount has dealt with the death of loved ones, some expected and some blindsides. I have buried my whole family consisting of a beloved grandmother, both parents and two of my three brothers. My CI necessitated the loss of a profession I loved (Nursing) a specialty I found endlessly fascinating and enjoyable (Obstetrics.)
Not long ago I stumbled upon a quote (and at the moment I cannot recall where it is from, also part of my CI). It was a simple, elegant, to the point statement and the moment I heard it, there was an "aha!" moment. It said, "When You can't understand where God's head is in your situation, trust His heart."
Every cell in my body stood up and yelled "Amen!"
Trying to figure out my King's mind on many things is too high for me. I know when it is imperative for my growth and the timing is right He will reveal it to me.
But His heartl, now, that's a different kettle of fish altogetyher.
His Word has shown me, over and over and over again, that the heart of God can be trusted. Just a few gleanings of character attributes show why. Here's the tiniest tip of the ice berg-
1. He loves me. There are a million verses on God's love in His Word. I think John 3:16 is by far the most important and far reaching, but the3re are also verses that speak of His great tenderness "Can a nursing mother forget her child? Perhaps one could, but I will never forget you - behold, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands."
The first time I read that, I could feel the nail go through His hand, and on that nail was my name, engraving itself on the palm of the Living God. What an amazing privilege is mine!
2. His arms are always underneath me. Always. When I fall - and that happens far more often than I would prefer - He catches me. As I confess, He washes off the mud and manure and, without a lecture or even an "I told you so," He helps me get up and cleans up my scarlet sins until I am white as snow, replacing the mud and manure with peace and joy. Amazing.
3. In the long night, often made longer by pain and restlessness and difficulty finding a comfortable position, He gives me songs (Job) and not only does He give them to me, He Himself sings over me.
4. When some new health problem pops up, and the evil one paints the direst of consequences and throws darts of doubt and fear, He promises that whatever happens He will work for my good.
5. When I feel abandoned and "less than" because of my CI, He tells me that, far from being less than, I am the Poem of His hand-made creation, His work of art - not a struggling sketch with squiggly lines or muddied colors, but a work of Art.
6. In spite of the sadness and pain that come into my life, as it does to every human with a heart on the face of the earth, He knows everything a bout me, from the first twinkle in my father's eye, to the formation of each finger and toe, to the addition of each numbered hair follicle. He has numbered each day of my life before the first one even began, and He knows the exact day, time, second when He will take me home.
And just as a sidenote here, remember my grieving over the quail?
It finally occurred to me to bring it to Him in prayer (DUH) I said, "Papa (and yes, I truly pray that way - it revolutionalised my prayer life) Papa, could I have a quail? Just one little quail? Scruffy, hungry, doesn't matter, just one quail?"
The next morning (after several week's total absence,) there were two out there, cheerfully chortling their way thru their morning's work digging up stuff. I can't tell you how cherished that made me feel. So grateful.with a heart full of praise. He understood!
And the next day...there were five! And this morning there were 12 - 15 glorious, Hand painted, busybody (in the nicest way, of course) chortling quail outside my window.
How can I not trust Him?
Forgive me Lord. Help me to see beyond my self-interests. Help me to worship you truly in Spirit and in Truth.
...And thanks again for the quail.