I'm tired of this!

"I'm tired of this!" I said to my Lord, "tired of the pain and the canceling of plans and the doctor's offices and no energy to do anything - not chores, not even fun stuff! I'm sick of it!!!"

"Poop!" I thought,"My head is killing me, I'm cranky and peevish and I want to quit.  I've had it."

And what did my Lord say to me?

Nothing.

He waited. And waited.  And waited until my tantrum was over and I was silent.

In the deep peace of His silence, He brought these words to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect (Amplified: "builds a tent over you") in weakness" 2Cor 12:9

And it is.

His grace shelters me - like a tent - quiets me, protects me.

Is God big enough for my tantrums?

Yes, He is - and what's more, He loves me through them.  His tenderness has pitched a tent over me and kept me through 24 years and counting of illness, and 15 more before that.

He knows what my spirit needs to cause me to seek Him - to seek Him in my tantrums as well as my praise.

And He knows what your spirit needs as well.

Trust Him.

Dark Places

Psalm 143:3-4 "For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places...
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed."


That's sure how it feels some days, doesn't it?  


Dealing with CI day after day is wearing on the spirit.  Some days it is hard not to feel abandoned or isolated or discouraged or alone in the dark.  


And, you can be sure, the enemy of our soul is quick to take advantage of it. Innocent remarks by someone will seem sinister or accusatory - we start to get prickly or short-tempered - which, of course, we seek to excuse because we "are having a bad day".  It's all too easy to fall into self-pity or, on the other hand, snap at people "who can't possibly understand what it feels like."


I agree that most folks can't understand what it feels like - but God can.  He chose this path for us, whether we want to admit it or not.  In my case, CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome or ME/Myalgic Encephalitis in the UK) is just beginning to find acceptance and respect.  Many people say to me "Oh, I was soooo tired yesterday I didn't know what to do. I know how you feel."  


No, you don't know how I feel.  The fatigue I have is so deep it in itself is pain - and it doesn't go away after a good night's sleep - because I never get a good night's sleep.  If I'm fortunate I get a 4 hour block somewhere in the night, but mostly I awaken every hour or two.  My brain gets so muddled sometimes, I find myself lost on familiar streets that suddenly are no longer familiar.  My head pounds, feeling as if it exploded, or someone kicked me in the head - sometimes throbbing, sometimes as though my head is in a vise, slowly crushing me. It feels like an iron bar runs just behind my eyes, from temple to temple - and sometimes the sensation is so real I feel like I could reach up and grab it.  And fluorescent lights, which everybody from dentist to doctor has in their office, are guaranteed to ignite a headache in an instant. My muscles ache so deeply it's all I can do to climb the stairs to bed.  My bedroom is a mess because I climb those stairs carrying something and put it down "just for a second" until I'm strong enough to deal with it - and I'm never strong enough.  So layer after layer accumulates, like an archaeological dig!


It's overwhelming sometimes, isn't it? I know some of you deal with problems far more severe than mine - and my heart goes out to you. Many times I feel fortunate to have so little to deal with.


So, where is God in all of this?  


If He is the One Who chose this for each of us, knowing exactly how much we can bear, and not trying us more than we are able (1Cor 13:10) - and He is - where do we find the strength and courage we need to deal with it?


Just 2 Psalms over, in 145:14, God says to us, "The LORD upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down."  CI is certainly capable of causing us to be bowed down ( and the enemy of our soul is sure to grasp the situation and try to tempt us to fall).  


And again in Ps. 145:17-19  "The LORD is righteous in all His ways, Gracious in all His works.  The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth...  He will hear their cry and save them."


So here God is telling us that His way is righteous and His works are gracious - including His choice of paths for us, including CI.  How do I know this?  Because the Word of God tells me that all His ways are righteous, all His ways are gracious.


How many?


All.


And all means "all". Not "some".  Not "all except for the ones I don't like" ( and I really don't like my CI - grin!)


It is not contingent upon my approval of His plans for me.  I, the leaky, cracked, dirty ol' pot cannot say to my Potter "Why have you made me thus?" or, in the colloquial, "Why me?"


God has a plan for our lives.  He has chosen for our plan to include CI - and He knows what He wants to accomplish with it.  CI affects not only us, but the ones who surround us, the doctors who treat us, the family who loves us, the friends who pray with us, the ones who watch us - and don't kid yourself, people watch us all the time to see how we handle adversity. Have you ever thought He might be using your illness to teach others, to do a work in their lives?


And these verses show us how God intends for us to bear it - He will uphold us, raise us up, be near us, hear our cry and save us. He is working in the lives of all who know us, and He is using our CI to do it!  Stop and think for a moment about how your CI has changed the lives of those around you.  I know those around me have learned patience (...ahem) and I have seen them become more generous, more compassionate, more giving - and I know they pray more. In His graciousness, He is blessing others through my path.
Just think about that for a moment.


So if the enemy is persecuting your soul these days, and you find yourself in one of those dark places, remember He is upholding you, and He is near enough to hear your cries and save you.  And always remember that, besides those who surround you on earth, Someone Else is watching you.  


This Someone is not watching to catch you slipping up, to criticize or judge you.  This Someone died in your place, paid for each sin  you have or will ever commit (and He knows them all.) 


When the enemy of your soul taunts God with accusations of His children, perhaps He is saying of you as He said of Job: "Have you considered my servant ______ (insert your name here)"  The CI that so haunts us and rules our days may be the very background upon which we shine for our Master, proving that we do not love Him for what He can give us; proving that we value His gifts less than we value the Giver; proving that even though we do stumble and mess up and fall flat on our faces, we get up, dust ourselves off, and continue on the narrow road for love of Him.


And how glorious that would be - to someday stand before Him and learn that all the while we thought the suffering endless and useless, He was glowing with joy that through the power of the Blood and the Holy Spirit, in His Name we became more than conquerors.


Press on, dear one, press on!


  

The first covenant of all

"And God said, ' This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you and every living creature that is with you for perpetual generations: I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember my covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.'"  Genesis 9:12-16


We've had cloud-filled skies for the last week, culminating in thrilling thunder rolling endlessly over the arroyos and mesas, off and on throughout the whole day yesterday. The welcome rain left behind an invigorating freshness, the lovely smell of newly-washed leaves and pavement, the plants standing a bit taller, looking shiny and new after all their dust had been washed off.


In the late afternoon around 6 pm, the low angle of the sun set me to looking for rainbows.  The clouds were so dark and still heavy with moisture, I kept looking, looking, looking, alas! to no avail.

And then, in the twinkling of an eye, it appeared, the whole glorious arc, as if God had swooped His arm over the earth and said                    "Ta Daaaaaah! "  And not just a portion of one, the whole glorious shebang, from one end                                                   


to the other!  Magnificent!I ran to grab my camera and started shooting.


Then, in awe, I realized I was actually seeing a covenant.  One announced to Noah and his family as they came out of the ark.  The first covenant God made with His creations - the people, the animals, the planet.  And He said, "My rainbow"  - speaking of the one that rises above His throne in heaven (see Ezekiel 1:28) So as the sign of the covenant, He took part of the rainbow over His throne and put it in the clouds to remind us of His promise.


I stood there with the fresh realization that I was seeing the actual rainbow that stands over God's throne in heaven, and He said He would "look on it to remember..." - and it came to me today that, at that very moment in time, He and I were both looking at the same thing - that glorious rainbow! Oooooooo - goose bumps galore!


So many times, as a CI, we miss out on things - a family get together or celebration, a picnic, or even just a night out at the movies, just being left out - again.  And yet - God, Who tenderly and individually knit us together in our mother's womb (see Psalm 139) knows every time that happens, and He shares it with us, asking us to give it to Him and let it go. And then, every once in awhile, He shares with us something glorious - like a part of His throne's rainbow, or Venus and Jupiter clustered around the moon in the deep blue velvet of a night sky - and gives to us something that will delight our hearts, and dust our lives with a bit of wonder. He remind us that no matter how alone in this cosmos we may feel, He is right there with us, hiding little delights in our day that come straight from Him to us - if we have eyes to see and ears to hear.


So, keep an eye out, watch for His small treasures, generously given from a loving Father-heart to ours, individually tailored and dropped into a dismal day to give us hope - it could be something as simple as a rainbow on a rainy day.


Selah

The clouds are the dust of His Feet

"He spread out clouds to shelter them..." Ps.105:39 (Moffat) emphasis mine
"The LORD has His way
In the whirlwind and the storm
And the clouds are the dust of His feet." Nahum1:3

How often do I pray He will take the clouds away?  Clouds of pain, clouds of illness or incapacity or difficulty. Clouds of circumstances that drive me to Him. Unknown dangers are lurking at my door - but He is sheltering me from them; it just so happens that the method He is using is a cloud.

The clouds spread out above me, threatening me, but shall indeed, as Cowper said, "break with mercies on my head."  They are not, the Word tells me, clouds of trouble and doom, but protection from a loving Heavenly Father to His child.

Those whirlwinds that so frighten me, the tempest in a teapot that steals my peace - they are all one and the same : the LORD having His way.  I personally think He delights in those whirlwinds and storms  that keep me from becoming complacent and taking Him for granted - and on some days I am convinced He is up there dancing up those clouds and whirlwinds with me in mind, whistling a happy tune.  He knows one of the quickest ways to bring me to Him are to have a little tumult going on.

Because, you see, clouds are murky, swirly stuff, hard to see through. When they hug the ground, they are called "fog". They creep you out, blot out the usual landmarks,  make you nervous.  They are cold and wet, and have the capacity to make your life miserable.

I have been in San Francisco and the Cleveland Nat'l Forest mountains when fog at its worst has occurred.  Driving is in essence Russian roulette - can't see the center line, can't see the outside line, can't see the traffic signal until you are upon it. You need to go very slowly and watch the tail lights of the car ahead to help figure out where you are. Most people know better than to go it alone on such days - especially in the mountains - where the roads are windy and slippery and are sculpted by a sheer cliff on one side. People know to take it slow and think before they move (well most people do...) Without guidance it would be easy to go over the edge - but there are reflecting guard rails that warn of impending danger.

And it is just those things, happening in our spiritual lives, that His clouds guard us from - we need to hold onto His hand when we can't see clearly, slowly going one step at a time - and if we don't look to Him, it is too easy to crash right through His heavenly guard rails and over those cliffs.

So from now on, I am going to try to remember that the clouds I'm so afraid of  are not out of control. The LORD will have His way with them, and will use them to give me a future and a hope.


One of the best things about living in the desert, to me, are the monsoons.  Glorious towering clouds begin to form and sharp winds twist and turn and blow things over.  Thunder booms and shakes the very foundations of the house, lightning cracks the scalding sky and the refreshing rain begins.  And since finding these two verses, it has become very comforting to me to know that there, right above my head, is the dust of His feet.

And sometimes, from an airplane, you can see the holes His feet leave, punching through the clouds in the top 25% of the photo

A pleasant land

"And I thought, how [gloriously and honorably] I would set you among My children and give you a pleasant land, a goodly heritage, the most beautiful and best [inheritance]among all nations! And I thought you would call me' My Father' and would not turn away from following Me." (emphasis mine) Jeremiah 3:19, Amplified Bible


I read this today and it broke my heart. I fell face down before Him.


I could feel the tender heart of God, bruised and hurting, could see the disappointed hopes and plans He had made,  Who had done everything He could to show His children He loved them - and He got nothing back.  Zero. Nada. Zip.


Have you ever loved like that?  I have.  The pain goes deep into the heart, you're left with a bitter taste in your mouth and the bruises remain tender for years. And this passage speaks not of a foolish human heart, but of the tenderest, gentlest, most loving Heart that has ever existed. The heart of One Who wants nothing more than to shield us in the shadow of His wings, to hold us with everlasting arms, to sing over us with songs in the depths of the endless night.


Have you ever noticed that satan tells the same lies to every generation, and every generation swallows it whole, wanting that forbidden fruit, that knowledge of good and evil? And in the cool of the evening when God comes looking for us, we're busy sewing fig leaves together - which, incidentally, give off a sap that is extremely irritating to the skin, let alone skin in vulnerable areas.  I'm just saying.  


My misspent youth is as much an example as anybody's .  Perhaps that is why the priests in Jerusalem could not serve in the temple until they were 30 years of age.  They had to be old enough to see a bit more clearly what was truly worthwhile.


In Hebrew the word for "idol" means "vapor."  Something fleeting.  Insubstantial. Useless. yet that's what we choose - time after time after time.


I wish I could tell you that I have never sold Him for 30 shekels of silver - that I have accepted my illness with perfect submission and never pined after vapors.


But it would not be true.


I have been utterly selfish on some days. Short-tempered. Excusing a lack of agape love with a bad headache or choosing self-protection to conserve my energy so righteously when I knew I should have been trusting Him and just spilled it all out. I have let the pain I was enduring win  too many times. I pray it wasn't at the cost of someone else's eternity.  I pray I never planted seeds of bitterness in place of love.  I pray I never made anyone feel unimportant or used. I pray I never gave someone the impression that my King had ever failed me - or would ever fail them.


But I will never know until the moment I face Him.


And all the while my Father, Who had gloriously and honorably set me among His children in "a pleasant land, a goodly heritage, the most beautiful and best [inheritance]among all nations"  (no matter what CI looks like to me at this moment in time) looks on with an ancient sadness .


I have wanted this year to be ruled by the word "teachable".  Well, I am learning - and some of what I am learning breaks my heart.  But I pray from this day forward I have learned to never again choose vapor over substance - and that I will always call Him "my Father" and never, ever, turn away from following Him.

The Heavens declare Your glory!

God allowed me to see the eclipse on the 20th.  It was close - that morning was accompanied by severe headaches and muscle pain - but  by the time we were going to leave the meds had done their job

We drove out to Mesquite, a small town that was further in to the eclipse swath - about a 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive.  The hills here would have blocked the last part of it as the sun would sink behind them.

A friend had gotten some welder's glass for us to view through, and it was amazing.  As we drove we saw folks congregating on every high hill accessible from the road - little kids jumping up and down, grabbing safe viewing glasses from one another, racing each other down the hills - oh, for just a tea spoon of that energy!!

But I digress...

We found a parking lot beside a gas station and  whipped out our glass (we had two pieces)  The first tiny bit of shadow had us tingling with excitement - when I really thought about what was happening - the moon passing in front of the sun way out there in space - I felt like a tiny ant perched on a pebble.  Wow!  I could see the shadow move!

I started trying to take some pics thru the welder's glass -  amazingly some of them actually turned out!

More and more shadow filled the circle - the temperature began to drop.  I was really surprised because I expected a large drop, and it went only from scorch to hot - but a definite change.  Little by little it kept going and then, finally, it was complete .  It looked like a cheerio in the sky thru the welder's glass!  At fully eclipsed the sun was still very bright - I was surprised by that - still too bright to view without protection, surely, but noticeably cooler.

 

Then the moon started moving off, leaving a happy face for a bit, and it was over.  The shadows had gotten longer and now reversed themselves, only to begin lengthening once again.

I love the desert when the shadows lengthen.  The harsh scald of a sky gentles, the nooks and crannies outline themselves in cool blues, and the colors of the sandstones glow. God is such an accomplished artist! As you drive along the roads here the scenery changes every time you turn a corner - yucca forests turn into brush turn into streams with cottonwood trees turn into cactus, ocotillo, palo verdes - and here and there a pronghorn antelope or coyote or roadrunner adds some motion.  Just like the life of a CI, the closer you look, the more color and life you find.

As a CI, it may seem to you that you are locked in a desert  without a key, gasping for water and crawling inch by inch to survive from one day to the next.  But if you know Him, He will provide "streams in the desert", and you will find, here and there, a token of His love for you.  Look around you and you will see Him drop these gifts into your day - for me, a laughing child's voice floating from the park, a singing bird  or nest of hatchlings, a cool, refreshing summer shower, the sound of the wind in the trees.  Certainly these are small things as the world counts them - and what delights me most likely would leave you unimpressed.  But I know Him, I know His loving heart, and I know He loves you just as much as He loves me.   Perhaps for you it is a parking place near the door, a faithful doggie's welcoming waggle, the sound of a tender voice at the end of a rough day - whatever it is, start looking for it.  The same God Who designed eclipses and meteors designed you, and He knows you better than anyone else ever will.  Every day He leaves something on your doorstep, so to speak, something to bring you joy and delight.

Just as we needed special dark glass to view the eclipse, so the "special spectacles" of a trusting heart will unveil the small gifts He has hidden in your day to remind you that you have not been forgotten in the desert.

We serve an awesome God, yes, but He is also tender-hearted and generous.  My prayer for you this day is for a pair special spectacles.

Roses, horses and eclipses

Last week I was blessed by an invitation out.  Out of the bedroom, out of the house, into a restaurant with friends. I've been so grateful the Lord provided energy for it! I'm paying for it now but wouldn't  trade a moment of the time with friends.

It was a balmy 77 degrees when we left the house - equivalent to about 65 degrees with humidity.  Very comfortable, the air fresh and crisp with just a slight breeze - not our usual hot winds from hades! Jupiter shone down in all it's magnificent glory against the dark blue velvet sky.  The man made constellations of planes lined up for the airport also shone down, bright landing lights in a straight procession from whereabouts unknown, sliding down the sky.

On nights like that I always think of how God loves beauty.  I'm so grateful He put a capacity to enjoy it in our hearts.  The desert can be harsh and very demanding, but in Springtime it is lovely - the hills take on the slight green blush of new growth, the trees begin to flower, bushes branch out, and my roses bloom. (They quit when the temps get above 90) so I enjoy the exuberance of Spring! How God loves us!

Our friends have a gelding named Blackjack - all black, of course, with a lovely white star on his forehead.  They had bought him for hardly anything because he was paralyzed by fear.  My friend had worked and worked with him to get him used to stuff - like a rope lying on the ground, water puddles, small everyday things - and had helped him enormously. When they found a place that used the horse whisperer techniques they shipped him out.  They went to visit him and found him chest deep in a pond, with a small filly as a friend, afraid of nothing and happy as a horse could be.  I could only think how wonderful God is to allow a person to discover a way to reach animals like that.

There are areas a little way from here where you can still see wild horses racing across the mesa.  The BLM (bureau of land management)  thins them a little more each year, selling them off to buyers for small amounts of money,( among whom are folks who kill them for dog food )  It's very controversial here - the pressure is mainly from the cattle owners who also graze their herds on the mesa.  They want the horses out so they have more grazing land.  The BLM claims not enough people buy them and it's too expensive to feed and care for them in the pens.  The heart breaks for these critters who have run with the wind since birth and now face a terrifying gather and confinement in pens.  One of the local prisons has lent non-violent offenders to the BLM to gentle and train the horses, usually it takes a year or more to get a horse that is gentle and lead broken.  It teaches the men patience and how rewarding it is to work with their hands and hearts.  The horses are never returned as unworkable as some of the unbroken ones are, and garners a few more dollars for the govt.

Why am I telling you all this?  I've been thinking about how the Israelites are not the only ones who are stiff necked.  We are all stiff-necked before He gentles us and gets us lead broken.  His patience is amazing - His approach so gentle.  He is compassionate and slow to anger, abundant with mercy - and how grateful I am for that mercy!  Like a horse afraid of a piece of rope on the ground, we are afraid of what He will ask of us, afraid  of what He will have us do.  How interesting that the evil one will fill us with fear so often when we face something difficult - instead of trusting our Master to lead us through whatever faces us.  It keeps us  from resting in Him and seeing His hand right in front of our faces, ready for us to grab and hang onto.

I've been reading in Isaiah lately - how different the earth will be when its rightful Ruler is once again in command, and the earth is renewed -Isaiah 55 :12 says,"You shall go out with joy and be lead forth with peace, and the mountains and the hills will break forth into singing  before you, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." For a kid raised on Walt Disney it's not hard to imagine that scene! LOL! But it is one more example of the wonder and joy that lie in our future with Him.  We have no idea what He has planned - and I don't think singing mountains or clapping trees are beyond his ability to create. Did you know that if you speed up a recording of a humpback singing, it sounds just like a bird chirping? - and both sounds were created for our enjoyment.  When you see a robin in Springtime, he's just gotta sing - he can't do anything else.  The joy of life can't be held in and expresses itself in song.  Young colts and calves have to run and buck and jump - they're so full of the joy of being that your heart leaps with them.

Just so are we who know the Joy of Life in Jesus - there are times when the heart is so full of joy that there is nothing else to do but worship.  And sometimes the heart is so full of sorrow that there is nothing else one can do but worship.  He is a God whose everlasting arms are always underneath us. He never pulls away because we have fallen - for the zillionth time - He picks us up, washes us off, and sets us back on the narrow road.

This year a total eclipse of the sun, complete with corona, will occur May 20th - and will be visible in all its glory here.  The  only other  eclipse I have seen was only partial, but I remember how the temperature decreased by 20 degrees - and that was in San Diego!  I wonder what will happen in the desert heat?  I'm so looking fwd to that - we may go over by the Grand Canyon to view it - or the valley of fire here.  But it will be an exciting event.

It never ceases to fill me with wonder to look at the desert sky and know that He knows each star by name. He knows each of us by name, too and has placed us just so, exactly where He wants us, including the state of our health.  I keep thinking of the time people were looking at the healed blind man and saying, which one sinned, the blind man or the parents (they believed that illness was a sign of God's ill favor) that this illness fell upon him..  Jesus's next words are lovely to me ; He said neither , that this illness was to show the glory of God.

Those words electrify my heart - to think that it is possible that God favored me with this illness as a means to glorify Him in ways no other thing can.  What an awesome responsibility!  (of course, people may also say it's  possible this illness is because of my sins, which are many, but since Jesus paid the penalty for any and all of the sins I would someday commit on the cross before my DNA ever existed, there would be no reason to punish for sins already forgiven.)

And that alone, to me , is a cause for worship. Forgiven sins and a chance to glorify God in ways the AB have no means to comprehend.  But what if I'm confined to a single room? I never have chances to tell people what He does for me, ways to make use of this chance.

In answer to that I say, the One Who placed you where you are, in the exact circumstances He has put you in, is glorified every time we raise our eyes and give thanks when some new hard aspect of our CI becomes known and must be dealt with.  It is in the gentleness of spirit we can cultivate by appreciating our caregivers and expressing our thanks.  It is in not complaining (the English word for murmuring),  and  being gracious through the pain, and not excusing ourselves from snapping at others because it is a bad day.

I am not saying I am a paragon of virtue here.  Every CI knows that bad days seem to come straight from the pit.  They are unsettling and energy consuming and it's hard not to groan when you try to move or watch the last tiny drop of your energy and self-control circling the drain (don't you just hate that?) I am not always walking in the Spirit on those days, and my spirit aches at yet another example of my lack of perfection as His child.

But He has taught me that that sin is paid for, and He sees how yet another blatant failure at the narrow way makes me feel;  but what He asks of me at such a time is this: get up, dust yourself off, and start again - forgetting the things that are behind and pressing forward instead.

The evil one, of course, wants us to continue looking behind, and, I am convinced, keeps a detailed list of our failures for just that purpose.  Things you haven't thought of in years come bustling to the front dressed in red, waving their arms.  Every embarrassing one, every cruel thing you've ever said,  anything to make us feel unworthy,  And he hits it on the head because, of course, we are unworthy.  What he doesn't want us to think of is that God doesn't even see our unworthiness - He sees His Son, spotless and pure,  He sees His child, stuck in the mud, just waiting for us to reach up and take His offer of help. He's already separated  our sin from us as far as the East is from the West,

And so He waits.  Waits for us to get up, dust ourselves off, and trust Him to lead us on the path that draws us to Him.

What an Awesome God we serve!